Sandwiched: How My Childhood Money Fears Show Up in My Kids' Lost Library Books

What's Up Viva Fam,

You know those moments as a parent when you feel completely blindsided by your own history? Like something your kid does, totally normal for them, sends you spiraling back to a part of your childhood you didn't realize was still running the show? Yeah, I had one of those moments recently, all thanks to a $20 library book fee.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, or maybe more like being squeezed from both sides. See, when I was a kid, I became a pro at internalizing everything. My needs, my wants, my desires – they all felt too big, too much. I was terrified of overwhelming my mom or adding any extra stress to her plate, especially when it came to money.

Asking for cash for a school trip? Forget it. I'd either find a way to just... not go, or agonize over it for days before maybe, just maybe, mustering the courage, often to feel guilty afterward anyway. Library books? Oh man, don't even get me started. Losing a library book felt like a catastrophic financial failure. I'd stress over those books, keep them pristine, and sometimes avoid checking them out altogether because the pressure of keeping track of something that could cost money was just too much. I felt like if I messed up, I was on my own because asking for money to cover a mistake felt impossible.

Fast forward to today. I'm a parent myself. And my kids? They are the absolute opposite. Which, don't get me wrong, is a beautiful thing in many ways. They feel comfortable expressing their needs and wants. They have a healthy (sometimes too healthy, I think, through my old lens) sense of ease around asking for things.

But then comes the $20 lost library book notice.

And instead of just seeing a school fee, I feel that familiar, suffocating wave of anxiety wash over me. It's the echo of my own childhood fear – the stress over a small amount of money, the feeling of a burden, the internal panic over a lost item. Only this time, I'm not the kid stressing about asking for the $20; I'm the parent who feels stressed about paying it, and stressed by the fact that it seems to cause my child zero visible distress.

I feel completely sandwiched. On one side is the ghost of my own anxious, need-suppressing child self, whispering about scarcity and the fear of being too much. On the other are my actual children, whose ease with expressing needs and navigating minor expenses (like a lost book fee) feels, ironically, overwhelming because it triggers that old anxiety.

It's a weird space to be in – navigating the present reality of parenting while being constantly reminded of a painful past. The kid in me wants to freak out about the $20, hide the notice, and worry myself sick. The parent in me knows $20 isn't the end of the world and that losing a book is a common childhood mistake, but is struggling with the emotional baggage it brings up.

So, how do we heal when our deepest childhood money fears are triggered by the very people we're raising? It's not easy, and it's definitely a process, not a destination.

1. Acknowledge the Sandwich: First, just naming it helps. "Okay, this feeling? This suffocation? This is my childhood anxiety being triggered by a present-day parenting moment." Separating the past feeling from the current reality is crucial.

   
   

2. Validate Your Younger Self: That kid who was afraid? She was smart and sensitive and doing her best to cope in her world. Offer her some serious compassion. Maybe journal about what she needed to hear back then.

   
   

3. Understand the Difference: Your kids aren't trying to stress you out. They just haven't had the same experiences that taught you to fear expressing needs or causing expenses. Their relative ease, while triggering, means they aren't carrying the same specific burden you did.

   
   

4. Teach, Don't Transfer Fear: Instead of reacting from anxiety, try to respond from intention. The $20 library book isn't a catastrophe, but it is an opportunity to teach responsibility. Maybe the money comes from allowance, or earned through extra chores. This teaches the value of things and consequences without making the child feel like a financial burden.

   
   

5. Set Intentional Boundaries: It's okay to have limits. Saying "we can't afford that right now" or "let's save for that" or even "no" is healthy. This is about responsible financial parenting and setting boundaries, not about fear-based deprivation. It's a conscious choice from the adult you are now.

   
   

6. Seek Support: Talking to a therapist about these ingrained patterns can provide powerful tools for processing the past and reacting differently in the present.

   
   

Being sandwiched between your past money anxieties and your present parenting expenses is a tough place to be. But recognizing it is the first step out. You can acknowledge the child who was afraid to ask, while also being the parent who teaches responsibility and sets boundaries, all while giving yourself the compassion you needed back then. It's about building a new relationship with money and needs, for yourself and for your kids, one $20 library book fee at a time.

How do you offer comfort to your 'inner child' when triggered by your own children's requests or demands? Share your thoughts below!